Navigating Grief During the Holidays: A Q&A with Therapist Rebekah Lipsky
Written by Julie Woon, MSJ
The holidays are often portrayed as a time of joy, connection, and celebration, but for many people, they can also intensify feelings of grief and loss. In this article, licensed therapist Rebekah Lipsky, MS, LMHC, LCPC, LPC, ADHD-CCSP, joins YMyHealth host Julie Woon to talk about navigating grief during the holiday season, supporting loved ones, and finding hope while honoring what (or who) you’ve lost.
Why can the holidays make grief feel so much more intense?
Rebekah: Holidays function like built-in anniversaries. You might find yourself thinking, “I can’t believe this is our first Christmas without Grandpa,” or “I can’t believe this is our fifth holiday not living in our home that burned down.” They mark time in a very concrete way, and that can really turn the volume up on grief.
On top of that, the holidays are wrapped in messages of joy, cheer, and togetherness. Those messages are usually well–meaning, but if you’re feeling anything but joyful, they can feel invalidating. There’s also the real pain of not being with someone you wish you could be with—whether they’ve died, you’re estranged, or circumstances have changed. And of course, the holidays happen during the colder, darker months, which can layer on seasonal depression.
We often think of grief as related to death. What other kinds of losses can cause grief?
Rebekah:
Grief is the internal experience related to a loss—the thoughts and feelings we have. Mourning is the external expression of that grief, like crying, memorial rituals, or how we mark anniversaries.
Most people (and even our diagnostic manual, the DSM) talk about grief only in the context of death, but that’s far too narrow. Non-death losses can be just as impactful. These might include:
Breakups or separation
Friendship loss or family estrangement
Fertility losses
Loss of a home (e.g., fire, eviction, foreclosure)
Financial loss
Loss of physical functioning or mobility
Loss of cognitive functioning after illness or injury
When non-death losses aren’t named, it can make grief feel even more isolating. You might feel like what you’re going through “doesn’t count,” even though you’re deeply hurting.
What emotions commonly show up in grief?
Some of the most common emotions are:
Sadness
Anger
Shock or confusion
Guilt (especially during the holidays—“How can we be laughing when they’re not here?”)
Loneliness
Denial
One thing I really like to normalize is that joy and grief can coexist. For example, imagine parents spending their first Thanksgiving without their adult child because that child is at their partner’s family gathering. They might feel grateful and happy that their child has found a loving partner and welcoming family, while also feeling the loss of not having them at the usual table. Both can be true at the same time.
How does the pressure to “be merry” affect someone who’s grieving?
Rebekah: That pressure can be incredibly invalidating. It can also create resentment; this feeling of “I have to keep up appearances even though I’m in pain.” When that happens, people may stop meeting themselves where they’re at. They put on a happy face because they feel they “should,” instead of honoring what they actually need emotionally.
There is no one right way to show up during the holidays. And there certainly isn’t a rule that says you must be festive because the calendar says so.
Are there misconceptions about grief you wish more people understood?
Rebekah: Absolutely. One of the big ones relates to the familiar “five stages of grief” (denial, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance) by Elisabeth Kübler-Ross. The stages can be helpful because they give language to certain parts of the experience. But the misunderstanding is that grief is linear, that you go through a stage, complete it, and never feel it again.
That’s just not how grief works.
Grief is oscillating and fluid. It’s not about “progress” and “regression.” You might feel okay one day and devastated the next; that doesn’t mean you’ve gone backwards. Grief is a lifelong experience. It changes shape and intensity over time, but it doesn’t fully disappear.
Can you explain that “jar and ball” grief model you share with clients?
Rebekah: Yes—this is based on Tonkin’s model of grief, which I love.
Imagine a row of three jars. In the first jar, there’s a very large ball that almost fills the jar. That ball is your grief, and the jar is you. In the next two jars on that top row, the ball gets smaller each time. That picture represents what people often think happens: that grief shrinks over time.
But now imagine a second row of three jars. This time, the ball stays the same size in all three jars, but the jars themselves get bigger. The caption would be something like: “We don’t shrink our grief. We grow around it.”
That’s the heart of this model: grief is something we integrate into our lives. It doesn’t disappear; instead, our capacity, life, and sense of self grow around it.
For someone grieving during the holidays, what are some healthy ways to cope, especially if their emotions feel unpredictable?
Rebekah: First, I always encourage people to use what already works for them:
If writing feels cathartic, journal or write letters you won’t send.
If you’re creative, turn to art, music, or crafting.
If nature soothes you, spend time outside.
As long as it’s healthy and safe, there’s no “wrong” tool. What matters is that it works for you.
There’s also something powerful about finding ways to continue a bond with the person or thing you’ve lost, especially around the holidays. That might look like:
Making a loved one’s favorite recipe
Lighting a candle in their honor
Playing their favorite song
Visiting their grave or a meaningful place
Driving by an old home or neighborhood
Just because someone or something is gone doesn’t mean the bond has to disappear; it simply becomes a different kind of attachment.
When emotions feel overwhelming, body-based (somatic) tools can help regulate intensity:
Deep breathing to activate the parasympathetic nervous system
Grounding exercises (e.g., name five things you can see, four you can feel, etc.)
Gentle movement or stretching
The goal isn’t to avoid or suppress emotions, but to make them more manageable so you can ride the wave rather than drown in it.
Is it okay to step back from holiday activities when grief is fresh?
Rebekah: Yes. The way out of pain is through it, but that doesn’t mean you have to swallow it all at once.
I often help clients distinguish between:
Avoidance (pushing grief away to not feel it at all)
Pacing (recognizing, “This is too much for me right now”)
It’s valid to modify what you can handle:
Staying two hours at a gathering instead of four
Ordering takeout instead of cooking a big meal
Letting others help more than usual
I talk a lot about frequency and intensity. If you know a certain tradition feels like “too much,” you can dose it differently. For example, if your mom loved a particular holiday album, maybe this year:
You just place the album on the table instead of playing it
Or you play one or two songs instead of the whole thing
Or you read the lyrics rather than listening
It doesn’t have to be all or nothing. There are many versions of “something,” and finding that middle ground can help you honor your grief without completely breaking down.
How can family and friends support someone who is grieving during the holidays?
Rebekah: Let me start with what can sometimes be unhelpful. Phrases like:
“They’re in a better place.”
“Everything happens for a reason.”
For some people, especially those who are very faith-based, those phrases can be comforting. For others, they feel dismissive or even infuriating. There’s no one-size-fits-all.
What is helpful is to:
Check in directly:
“Would you like to talk about them today?”
“Do you want to share memories or look at photos?”
“Would you rather just have company and not talk about it?”
Offer presence, not just words:
Taking a walk together
Sitting quietly with them
Doing a small shared ritual
Sometimes support is about talking, and sometimes it’s about showing up alongside someone while they face their grief in their own way.
What if a whole family or group is grieving the same loss, but everyone is grieving differently?
Rebekah: This is really common and can be very tricky. Remember that grief is internal (we can’t see it unless it’s shared) and mourning is external, and that can look very different person to person.
One family member might cry daily, another might seem very stoic, and another might avoid certain places or traditions. That doesn’t mean any of them care more or less.
It’s important to respect that there is no “correct” timeline or style of grieving. Avoid judgments like, “I can’t believe you haven’t cried yet,” or, “I can’t believe you haven’t visited the grave.” When possible, have open conversations about what is or isn’t helpful for each person.
There is a lot of power in shared loss, but differences in coping can create isolation inside a shared experience. Naming that and practicing mutual respect goes a long way.
What does hope look like in the context of grief?
Rebekah: Hope, in grief, is not about promising that life will go back to how it was—because it won’t. I’m very honest with clients about that. I’m not here to create false hope that we can restore everything exactly as it used to be.
Instead, hope is about believing that it is possible to build a new version of fulfillment, joy, and purpose. The loss can be integrated into a future that still has meaning.
I often work with clients on values, what matters to them at their core. Connecting with those values helps them slowly create a new life that honors both their pain and their continued existence.
We also look at resilience. What strengths have you used to get through past hardships? How can those show up for you again now? Even if this loss is different, those strengths are still part of you.
If someone listening is really struggling this holiday season, what is one key takeaway you’d want them to hold onto?
Rebekah: Two things:
Practice self-compassion.
Self-compassion is showing up for yourself with kindness during hard times. It doesn’t have to be fake or overly positive. You don’t need to say, “You crushed it today!” if you didn’t. It might sound more like, “Today was really hard, and I did the best I could.”
It’s not about giving yourself a “free pass” or never growing. It’s about not going to war with yourself on top of everything else you’re already carrying.Remember that grief is something you grow around.
You’re not “behind” if you’re still having tough days. You’re not failing at grieving. We are all walking history books—memories and feelings from years ago can surface at any time. That’s part of being human.
We can’t change the fact that pain and loss are parts of life. But we can change:How we talk to ourselves
How we respond to our feelings
How we shape our lives moving forward
Meet yourself where you’re at. You probably know more about what you need than you realize—and you deserve to have those needs honored.
Conclusion
If you’re grieving this holiday season, we’re so sorry for your loss. You’re not alone, even if it feels that way. It’s okay if the holidays look different this year. It’s okay if you look different this year. Your grief is real, and your feelings are valid.
Want to hear more from Rebekah? Check out the YMyHealth podcast on our YouTube channel or your favorite streaming platform!
You can also find more from Rebekah at rebeccalipskycounseling.com and on Instagram and TikTok @rebeccastherapyroom.